#17. I'll be your Weasel Ball

It is a fact that the average person tells 4 lies a day, that's 1,460 a year; a total of 87,600 by the age of 60. The most common lie is: I'm Fine! If you were to ask me that at this point in my life i would reply with the truth... I am not fine! For some time I've felt my life spiralling out of control. For 11 years i have suffered with severe depression and post traumatic stress syndrome, i felt i had it under control and although there is always inner turmoil of some strength, i fear it has turned into something i can no longer control once again. At this point in my life I feel like I'm a weasel ball, you know those children's toys that have a furry Lil critter stuck to a mechanic ball that goes round and round endlessly in circles in a box at market stalls. I am a weasel ball. I am going endlessly round and round in circles to no avail bashing myself on the walls of my domain. Picked up, switched off and shoved away for the next day. If you've never seen me before the usual greeting is "oh my god what is that???" then you take a closer look, smile and go on your way, I'm not something you take home unless you can make use of me in some way and on second meeting generally you may pass me by without a second glance. My box represents my world....BEIGE! The four walls are my padded cell, I'll just keep hitting them until i run out of battery, but then what? Someone will replace them giving me hope of a new day but eventually they run dry and still no one takes me home no matter how hard i try to impress them with my moves. Everyday the same thing, round and round, people viewing but never buying, picking me up but always putting me down. After all I have no real use, okay maybe a good cat toy but even that will wear thin after a while and "Mr.kibbles" isn't convinced. we've seen it all before, but what if you haven't? On the outside i am fluffy and possibly recycled but on the inside i am an intricate mechanism working away until i expire. I am cogs, circuits and wiring, with a main power source that drives me onwards, My heart. Right now this heart feels fragile and lost, like my battery's are running low, I'm running out of power supply and i cannot keep bashing my head against the wall, forever going round in circles for the amusement of others, being picked up, put down, up! and down..... up!....and down! switched on and off when needed to entertain the passers by. There are many errors in my design. my colours don't match or go with home furnishings, I don't come with a money back guarantee or an instruction manual. I'm not fool proof, i am breakable, I am a Lil temperamental and sometimes i fall off my path. Consider me fallen. I know i make a strange noise but I wish you would see past that. Until then, love me or hate me, I am your weasel ball. But i have a whole lot of love and time to give you. I am YOUR weasel ball.

#16. DOWNLOAD 2010 - WOAH THERE: The Return of The Porch Monkey

so its that time of year again when the festival season has begun and all is hot yet muddy and somewhat hungover!

This year is my 4th Download Festival in a row and I'm pleased to say I'm finally starting to find sleeping in a tent on a blow up bed for 4 nights somewhat easier as every year passes (i only woke up once with a dead arm!). This year my travelling companions consisted of my two male best Friends - me olde brettfordshire and glennjamin, James proceeded to follow on via national express and join us later in the day. There were only the four of us in our camp but we met up daily with various Friends dotted about in blue, red and orange camping, we the hardcore bunch camped in BLACK (of coarse) as i have done for 3 years now, but, for the first time ever in the history of my download life i woke up at 6.30am everyday to find peace and tranquility! usually u hear random slogans and chanting going around the camp the occasional scream wave running through or someone screaming "I'M HAVING A WANK", people being sick/having a wee/shaggin etc etc u get the point. Waking up at that time everyday meant that because it was quiet i could go back to sleep with no problems and i did so every morning, WIN!

This year the line up wasn't great but the atmosphere and the people were just the same, it was an amazing festival and i had a great time with great guys. we watched some major fucked up show tho, phew, i had to take me olde brettfordshire away from it before he passed out........ yeah it was THAT bad!!!!! it was a Mexican wrestling show with a pretty yummy host ( I might add) and some pretty awesome acts in between, first a lady looking more like a ladyboy came on and did a fantastic little burlesque fan dance...lovely lovely, 2nd act was a girl who proceeded to staple balloons to various parts of her body ending it with a condom stapled to her pubic bone (slightly insane). 3rd, a female torture act, sat a guy down and then tortured him by sticking burning glass balls to his body then putting him in the shackles and pelting him with tomatoes, he then broke loose and fire whipped the ladies, as you do! 4th, a women who did stuff with fire including rubbing it all over her body and eating it, yummy! 5th a nice little burlesque dance for a member of the audience. Then the piece de resistance (however u spell it) some guy called crazy Sean....why is he crazy??? we ask! well really they saved the most grotesque for last cos my lord he did some crazy shit with his body, he basically mutilated and violated his own body live on stage for shits n giggles. He stuck needles in his body and squirted fluid out of them, then bashed one into his forehead, he stapled a picture of some porn star to his ball bag into the boxing ring then yanked it out, pissing bloody everywhere, he stapled his tongue his eyes, his face, anywhere he could, then he decided to get a 7 inch piece of steal and shove it thru the head of his penis and twist it and keep twisting til it bleeds all over the stage (it went from penis to nothing in front of your eyes, literal nothing) he then shoved it between his legs, got a plate, handed a sledge hammer to his assistant, laid down, put the plate on his penis and screamed "DROP IT!" his assistant then dropped the sledgehammer from 6ft in the air straight down onto his shrivelled skewered twisted penis, smashed the plate and drove the spike further in. at this point Brett was almost on the floor, so that was all jolly and fun. i must admit it just showed me that the human body is capable of so much and that crazy Sean is majorly fucked up!!!!!!

Anyways about the bands:

GOOD: Bullet for my valentine, your demise, whitechapel, esoterica, the Jim Jones review, killswitch engage, steel panther (never fail to impress), cancer bats, atreyu,

BAD: airbourne and flyleaf (i hoped they would be good as i do like them but her singing was diabolicle)

OK: 36 crazyfists (better the first time i saw them), my passion, we are the fallen,

Best performance: bullet for my valentine, steel panther and your demise.

Worst performance: flyleaf.

Band of the Festival: Bullet For My Valentine - just bloody brilliant live, you wouldn't know its not a recording and they are fit too :P - seriously, they just blew me away!

worst band of the festival: AC/DC ( so pretencious they had to have there own stage with twice the amount of speakers than everyone else cos they dont "do" festivals - then fuck off!)

I wanna thank all the guys - Brett, Glenn, James, jay, terry, Jon, Dave, random Ryan "shooTings", Steve and Steve, pandy, Sammy and Scott for helping to make this year amazing for me, cos god knows i needed it. Thanx Brett for sleeping in my tent with meeeeee :D

all i can say is "WOAH THERE!!!" and "SMASH IT IN THE PIT!!"...."ooo i need a plaster for the gash on my arm, i lost it in naam, birming..nam", "she was all over me", "i owned the pit" and "PORCH MONKEY!!!!"

looking forward to Download 2011: The Porch Monkey strikes Back :P

#15. DUBSTEPPIN' SKANK NASTI YA'LL

OK i admit it!!!! I'm lyk soooooo well into dubstep........ i wasn't gonna let myself be but i gave in, DAAANG! So a few people have been saying to me, "but this dubstep stuff is extremely chavvy???", its actually not, all the dubstep nights ive been to, admitedly not many...5 maybe, ive seen a few chavs but like tons of emo's and those drum n bass types that wear extremely baggy jeans n those wooly beanies with a peak....i don't even understand beanies let alone the ones with peaks.

well I've comprised my top 10 dubstep songs, I've been researching like a fucker and I've come up with this lil collection (found at the bottom of this blog), hope anybody who likes dubstep takes the time to listen cos its not all bad...its pretty damn sexy and its great to dance to (up against a man...hello nurse) - actually i spend pretty much most of the time pratting about to it and making a general tit out of myself doing the ska dance...skankin... i believe...or you just kinda wait til the beat drops and bounce around like a fool. these guys have got it right.... LOOL



Well some of you know, some of you don't but i did a lil recording of myself for the singing purposes, purely cos I've been saying i would do this for sooooo long and never got round to it, well the other night i did. I recorded myself singing Angels by Sarah Mclachlan (one of my fave artists) if you would like to hit it up and maybe comment/subscribe PLEASE????? it would be muchos appreciated :D Click here to hear!!!!

so here is my dubstep playlist for you wonderful people, MSNers feel free to chat to me to tell me what you think, you know i love a chat about music....rob! LOL

HOPE YA'LL LOVE <(^-^<) <3

P.s. please sub my youtubey - hearts for yoooooooo!

#14. modelling/photography competition update

Just to let anyone who was interested know that there was no winner as the judges couldnt come to a clear decision but i got 50% off arkaik clothing for submitting. this was the submission.......

#13. Barely legal emo boys

Firstly i wanna say a huge huge huge sorry to those who follow my blog, its been way too long I've just been major busy with things lately and I'm gunna try and get back on top of it all. so I'M SOWWYYYYY can you forgive me....*yep*.....good!

So I've been spending alot of time in London as of late, with my gurl jay, much love to jay! We are both single (well im seeing someone, but i can look, right?) so our heads are on a continual swivel, yes guys we probably look for "ass" just as much if not more than you do, oh god I've just blown it wide open for women everywhere, fact is while your picking your nose and scratching your balls we are looking at the fit guy across the road and we homed in on him about 5 minutes ago while you were looking in the window of game gawping over the newest DSI and we were pretending to be interested (i love DS but i love to look too)...do i need to continue, no, good! jay and I both have a weakness for alternative/emo/geek guys, but one thing we have noticed is that we are clearly living in the wrong generation.....WTF! I'm 26 and notoriously a cradle snatcher, i have always gone for younger guys, i dunno why, they seem more fun and they have more stamina (HELLO NURSE!) and in general they don't want anything overwhelmingly serious. Jay is 21, she prefers her men a Lil older but doesn't rule out someone younger. We have spent the last few weeks on our trips out realising that all the good looking emo/geek looking guys are always way too young and in fact barely legal, but its very deceiving, from a distance your looking at this hot guy in skinny jeans, some outrageous tshirt with fuck monkey or some weird Japanese bands name written on it (or the ever so sexy check shirt even) a floppy fringe to die for, tattoos and piercings.......then he gets closer and you realise hes probably just done his GCSE's and should be at home studying for 6Th form AHHHHH NOOOO BADDDD....BUT WHYYYYYYYY!

so, where are all the older emos?????? not old, but olDER, like in there mid 20's. I like em young but not fresh outta school. I once dated an 18 year old, we both came to the decision that we wanted different things and went our own way, he was extremely mature, but then I met a 19 year old, quite mature until we argued then OMG he may as well have thrown his teddy out the pram, is that when a guy shows his true maturity? i think so!

I like my men alternative, it is a must, but the emo look (which i love) only seems to be donned by the young unless said fitton is in a band, some awesome metal band called shit a pig, masochistic giraffe scrotum or something weird like that. for example (I'll name my fave emo boys) trace Cyrus, Ronnie radke, Gerard way, Kenneth nixon - all in bands. I don't like the pretty emo look, i like the original rough and ready emo look, like hes just walked out of a mosh pit kinda thing, more dark and sinister than this new scene/emo OMG I'm so pretty kinda look - anyway all the above mentioned guys are older and in bands, do these older emos only exist in bands????

my point is, i reckon i was born in the wrong generation because basically I'm not attracted to older guys or guys close to my age, I'm being deceived by fit young emo guys with way to much charisma for their own good. whats with this???? answers on a postcard to......yeah right!


NOTE: when i say emo, i mean they dress like what is stereotypical to the emo look, not emo in mind.......i like my men of sound mind thanks!

#12. First modelling/photography comp

So this week has been another week from hell, whats going on at the moment with this, 2010 is rubbish so far then end. My car has broken down again for the 3rd time, its another problem which has been caused by the first problem it had. I swear my car hates me, i love her but she hates me, its like a love hate situation. Ive lost a stone of weight in a week, not like a stone from the beach "oh ma gawd, I've lost stone from beachy head", no, I've lost the weight, Ive had major nausea for 7 weeks, no I'm not pregnant, i will physically spoon the next person who asks that - and i don't mean ill cuddle them on a bed in an affectionate position, i mean ill make efforts to gauge out your eyes with a spoon, that's my form of spooning bitches :P so for the last 7 weeks I've hardly eaten and my stomach has started to cramp and cause me pain now so I'm feeling pretty rough. I got stuck for 2 hours the other day on the way to work, there was a collision between a car and a bus on the main road i use for work due to the ice being so bad, i cant help but think that i would have been caught up in it too had i not left for work slightly late, as i ended up being the third car to stop behind the crash. There were 5 police cars, 2 ambulances, a fire engine and the air ambulance was called in, when you see these things it makes you value life and I'm only grateful for walking away from the car accident i had in 2006. oh and i just got a message on a silly dating website from some idiot saying "hi you look scary but your really hot" how am i spose to take that?????

I went to a funeral this week too, only one person asked me how it went (thank you Jay, see you in 2 weeks hunny), i was really hurt that no one that i told remembered, luckily they don't read this. I didn't know what to make of the funeral, there were so many people and i never know how to approach the person grieving the most, although you grieve personally nothing you feel will be as intense as the people closest to the person that died, it was a hard day.

On the plus side I saw enter shikari on the 12th with rolo tomassi and the king blues as support (both were a pile of shite). Enter shikari were very good, though the guitars weren't loud enough and the synths were being faded up and down way too much. I saw them in 2008 and they were 10 times better, though i feel that had something to do with it being a smaller venue with better sound. The whole place was full of kids, i swear half of them should have been at home in bed. I met quite a few people, one kid commented on my hair (i had dreads in) saying "WTF is wrong with her hair" i didn't reply i just laughed at how young they were, possibly 14, and the fact that the way they looked was probably just a fad for them and they will no doubt grow up to be a shallow pathetic follower of traditional fashion. their comment was erased by being told i looked stunning a few times by various various's and by someone telling me my hair was awesome. I bumped into two friends and i met someone very briefly from a website i use.

I have a modelling and photography competition/shoot to do for Arkaik clothing, a really awesome emo/trendcore clothing website in the USA. I'm using this awesome tshirt http://arkaik.storenvy.com/products/6851-rawrkaik-purple and I'm not sure how its going to be styled yet but if anybody has any awesome ideas please let me know as i will add them all to the ending result if i like them of coarse......mark *hint hint* hehe! I'm thinking of doing some kinda geeky godzillaesq scene with a purple dinosaur and lego houses or something like that, i dunno i might change it all. ideas please!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh yeah trendcore, this is the new thing?? its like emo with bright colours and its ultimately cooler and better than scene as its more geeky apparently. I have no real idea! what a load of balls!

#11. YOU'RE soooooooo BLAH

YOU'RE SOOOOOOO AMAZING!!! I'M FUCKING SICK OF HEARING THIS!!!!!! OHHH EMMMM GEEEE if i had a pound for every time someone had said that to me, i would own the Bahamas, and a yacht, and a plane, and a jet propelled man eating shark with lasers on its head and a harpoon nose....wot was i saying?? oh yeah, i hate hearing the words "you're so **insert charming word of choice**" it physically makes me want to Chris brown a bitch! Now i understand there are probably people out there reading this who will undoubtedly say "don't be rude, people are just trying to be kind" now as true as this may be is it really necessary to lie through your teeth when your saying it. When i very first started hearing it, shortly after i became single from my first love, i was 19, i was all girly and giggly about it but now with another failed relationship under my belt and a stream of unsuccessful dates I'm starting to fucking hate it. Now there are three forms this sentence comes in:

1. "you're sooo amazing" = i wanna get in your pants, your not that great but ill say anything to get in your pants.

or

2. "you're sooo amazing, but...." followed by some kind of let down, usually "i just see you as a friend" or "your not my type"

or

3. "you're sooo amazing, i wish i was like you" = comes from a friend usually female, and probably the most believable you're so blah out of them all.

why do these annoy me still?????

1 = its usually said by someone who considers you above there station, which i fucking hate that anyways, the amount of times Ive heard "oh your out of my league" i mean WTF! I DON'T HAVE A LEAGUE!!!! i don't consider myself pretty and I'm not saying that for sympathy, i really don't think i am, i think that's why i make such a spectacle of myself to draw away from the fact that I'm ugly, i recently read in a magazine "if your not beautiful, you have to work hard to be" and i work, overtime and bank holidays! but still even if the person who these words come from considers you on equal levels of attraction to themselves, they are only saying this to get in your pants and if they don't want that then they are lying, cos clearly you aren't that amazing. It is generally single people that complain about hearing this cos usually people in couples (who should be saying it to one another) don't say it to each other due to laziness, therefore would give anything to hear it. Being single i hear this alot and lets face it if i were that fucking spectacular would i be single in the first place, NO! If the person saying this, says it to get in your pants and it works then you are a dumb ass fool with no real sense of who you are, cos in reality they don't mean it, the words have motive, pure and simple, and its animalistic.

2 = oh god, Ive heard this a few times and Ive actually used it, but when i used it, i meant it, all the cases I've used it in where on guys that i considered best friends who have expressed some kind of love or feeling towards me, they were seriously amazing people but they were not someone i could be with in a serious relationship, had i of crossed the bridge between friendship to lovers the inevitable end would have been twice the heartache and needless to say only one of these friends is still in my life and yes he really is amazing but he is an amazing friend ( key word - friend). when I've had this used on me, somehow i just know the guy doesn't really think I'm amazing, its just easy to put that little bit on the front to make the blow less painful, bollocks, just man up and say what u mean! "Your not my type" what a bullshit excuse that is, and it seems to come from people who say they don't have types, so you reply with "well what is your type" they say "someone kind, caring, loyal, etc etc" and if your so amazing then you must be all those things which in fact you are there type but your fucking ugly and they are too chicken shit to say it - that's basically what it is! Why oh why, cant someone just say "I'm not attracted to you" is that so hard, its honest and its not nasty.

3 = probably the most endearing form of hearing this, and probably the most sincere out of them all (excluding couples) many friends say this to me, cos i don't give a shit about what anyone outside of my social/family circle has to say about what i do or how i behave, how i look or how i express myself, to be seen as amazing because of that is something i like, to be seen as amazing for the things i believe in or stand for is something i really like, but the other reasons i listed above, i don't wanna be amazing for. Don't get me wrong, if i attracted a guy, say i dated someone for a while and they said to me, "you're **insert magical word of love** lets commit" and i could see some sincerity in that then it would bowl me over, its using it flippantly or to get a certain result that really bugs me.

I've actually got to the point now that i say I'm not that amazing or i wouldn't be single when i hear this fall from the lips of some randomer, they usually reply with "well that's cos the guys you've dated are blind to see it" but still if I'm so amazing, why aren't YOU Mr. Randomer asking for my number, a date or something etc etc .............. cos that's right you only want to get in my pants! If you wanna get in my pants don't tell me I'm amazing, be fucking original and use your brain, jebus!

i do actually wanna be amazing, i want to be UBER amazing, but to the right person for the right reasons and not to the random guy who wants to get in my pants, if i were that fucking amazing i wouldn't be single.... is this not true!

#10. Yes, i WAS a chav!

So just recently ive been listening to loadsa old tunes from when i was a kid, its like im reliving those days when i listen to these songs so im gunna do you a little list of some awesome songs from way back when. Not sure if you know or if ive mentioned it before, I used to be a chav, yes thats right.... I used to be a chav, I wore adidas poppers, umbro jumpers and reebok classic trainers, had a bleached fringe, a ring on each finger that by rights ment i should be draggin my knuckles on the floor, big gold chains and even bigger gold earings then i saw the light at college and discovered music with guitars in it and suddenly felt like i fitted in, as a chav i was never happy and always felt like i had to compete to be cooler, better, than everyone else but as "me" (now) I dont worry about that anymore and Im totally happy with what and who i am. However I can still enjoy the music i used to listen to, well some of it anyways so ive compiled a little list of some awesome songs from back when i was a chav, does it take you back????? here it goes a little something like this:



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imvu playlistmyspace playlistadd music to your myspace

#9. Most random film EVER!!!

My weekend was soooo rubbish, on Saturday night i ended up going to bed early as i was very tired, i got into bed and started watching the 40 year old virgin, seen it before, not a great film but it has a few chuckle worthy moments in it, i thought i would go to sleep after that but NO! my spasticated brain decided to wake up and so i went in search of something else to watch, i came across what sounded like a good film, i say sounded like based on the fact it had a good title "perfume: the story of a murderer"....weirdest most random film ever, ill tell you the story!

well i caught it just as it started and please bare in mind i had never heard anything at all about it before seeing it. sooo.....

i saw it from the part where the perfume killer is putting little bottles into a leather holder, i thought "ooo hes fit" carried on watching and OMG the next shot is Alan rickman in a wig and gay clothes talking to some council about taxes, now, you cant lose with abit of alan rickman but lord i bet hes ashamed to have his name to this film, ashamed i tell thee! so from what i can gather this fit lad, who had no name works for some douche who treats him badly, this douche runs in and tells him to get onto something he was suppose to do earlier and said fit lad hides the bottles mega sharpish, I'm like whats he hiding them for then BAM hes killed some poor red head wrapped her in wet clothes and dragged her to his dingy room, we don't see how he did this but we later find out hes hitting them on the head with a wooden mallet *sigh*. He rolls out this poor dead ginge from the wet cloths and shes all naked and he gets this massive rounded blade and skims it over her body taking off what one can only presume to be as body fat *VOM*! then he puts the fat in a tub, stirs it up, puts it in a home made science kit and the steam creates a liquid as to which he puts in tiny bottles, now i know why he wants to hide the freaking bottles. cut to a party at good old alan rickmans manor, his daughter played by the girl who was last seen in the secret garden (where the fuck has she been all this time, acting school, clearly not!) suggests a spiffing game of hide and seek, they all join in, off they go to the maze daddy has in the garden. its very lovely til this girl finds herself without anyone following her cos they've all hidden and oh no its dark and I'm feeble, enter fit lad killer from behind a dark corner of the maze, WTF is he doing there, is he gatecrashing that shit! we don't know! she gets spooked by a presence and runs away, daddy calls everyone back from the game and she doesn't return, hes getting scared and oh there she is, she just took her time, didn't see that coming! but 2 girls are missing, roll on the body fat skimming of a set of beautiful twins! *yawn*

More and more murders happen, they all have 2 things on common, they are all beautiful and red heads, it just cuts to a shot of each body dumped in various positions, naked with all there locks chopped off a la sinead o'connor with some poor soul finding them. The towns people are outraged and scared for thier lives, the council call a meeting, alan rickman pretends hes now the number one detective and says there must be a rational answer....murder? rational? hmmmm! people are on the look out for a killer. For some unknown reason he suspects that his beautiful daughter is next on the list and he decides to ship her out and off to far away lands, well you never guess what, hes right, said fit killer has one bottle left to fill and hes out for the secret garden girl! he senses, oddly, that's shes been whisked away, sniffs the air and has suddenly become a tracker from lord of the rings, off he goes and can follow their exact trail just by a sniff of the air, cut a long story short, he finds her and kills her in her hotel room, leaving her naked and hairless as the day she came. meanwhile back in town a random dog has found the clothes and hair of the murdered girls in the perfume killers quarters, now they have their killer but hes goooone!

this is where it gets weird, OK maybe its weird already but it just gets worse. Alan rickman goes to his daughters room to find her dead, spralled across the bed, not so secret garden up, screams of woe follow. during screams of woe, killer is caught making his next batch of perfume from secret garden girls body fat and taken back to town, he is then water tortured by alan rickman, who doesn't seem to lose his temper but rather asks gently why he killed his daughter to be told the killer needed her. OK so hes going to be slaughtered in front of the townsfolk. it comes to the day of his execution, hes hauled by shackles but secretly hes stashed a bottle of perfume in his pocket, wops it out (the perfume you naughty people) and then suddenly he appears from a carriage wearing the kings robes. it shows no transition and by this time I'm sitting gawping at the TV with a disgruntled "i don't get it" look on my face. he walks up to the exectutioner and suddenly OMG we have the wrong man, this man cannot be a killer, he pulls out a hanky from his pocket drops abit of perfume on it and wofts it in the air, people start falling about like they are in the matrix slo mo scenes and screaming, next thing you know every single person is naked and getting their shit on with the guy or girl next to them while fit killer is standing watching in the kings robes, even the priest is getting his shit on! someone kicks over a bucket of lemons and it reminds killer of his first love, the first girl he ever killed cos she was so beautiful then everyones suddenly asleep. a narrator talks he says "and they awoke from a slumber to find the most terrible hangover" or something pishy like that and then they all scarper feeling a little silly and er probably very foolish, fucking ell they just had the worlds biggest orgy!

by this time fit killer has managed to get back to his hideout, mix all the bottles of perfume together and run away to a new village where apparently he came from in the first place, he turns up in the kings robes, opens the perfume, pours it on his head and a bunch of villagers who were sitting by a fire run over to him and eat him, the end???? yes, the end!

WTF!! am i missing something, i totally don't get this film, in fact i feel cheated by whoever made this film and they should give me back my time. 2 bloody hours, 2 bloody hours of my face being stuck in the same "wtf is going on here expression" if you get this film, please let me know what its about.

#8. NEXT TATTOO

This is the design for my next tattoo, it is dedictaed to michael jackson, my idol! I designed it but the lineart is patchy due to me wanting to get it done asap! it will be on the side of my left thigh, approx 9" x 9" ................... what do you think????

#7. Weird 7 days

Its the 2nd week of the new year and already things are just turning wierd and totally inconvienient. is this the shape of things to come?? i hope not dang it!

My 7 days (im talking thursday to thursday as today is thursday and it all started going tits up last thursday) in traditional terms thats not a real week hence ive called it 7 days. well, it started with SNOOWWW, we cant cope with that shit, this is england, we arent made for ice and snow, we arent made for any weather mind you cos no matter what it does over here we always moan, it rains....boscastle dies, its too hot....buel water dries up, it snows....we come to a standstill, its windy...we moan about our beautiful flowers having thier heads knocked off, jesus people what weather do you want???

anyways im ranting, yes back to where i was, thursdays snow! The snow stopped me from going to work which wasnt a problem as i needed the time off but suddenly i didnt know what to do with myself, finally i decided i would design my next tattoo, i pretty much spent the day with my face covered in pencil lead, not a good look. friday came, the snow threatening my night out, my only night out of the week due to being so tired from over doing it at christmas, yeah i got 12 hours sleep in 5 days, not good, well not for me anyways. In the end the snow stopped me from going out i was miffed to say the least but my night turned out to be quite good as i spent until 7am saturday morning on the phone. Saturday and sunday were just a blur, i was up at 11am on saturday and awake til 5am on sunday morning talking to the same person on the fone again, which was very nice.

Monday came, i went into work and started feeling incredibly sick, for some reason i couldnt keep my food down and i was feeling really tired and the same for tuesday tho in the afternoon i had started to feel a lil better with the sickness, noooo im not pregnant!!!!! I left work, excited to get home and what happened, I BROKE FUCKING DOWN!!! thats right, i spent 2 hours sitting in the freezing cold in my car cos the bloody heap of junk broke down, how unreliable. I had to call my breakdown service, i spoke to this guy (no idea of his name) he spoke to me like i was his best mate, like he'd known me for years, kinda wierd as i didnt know how to react, he kept saying "ahhh wiiicked" and he did make me laugh. The breakdown guy arrived and informed me it was my clutch, my heart sank, i knew this was going to be expensive as it had gone in a previous car of mine, he said "ahh i see you need a knew clutch, aint gunna be cheap ya know" i felt like hitting him with how flipant he was but i guess he was trying to make light of the situation as by that time my face was blue with cold and it felt like my fingers had fallen off. well, he couldnt fix it by the road so he towed me home, i got in and once i had warmed up the sickness returned, maybe i should have stayed in the cold, whats worse?!?! I just wanted to fall into a hole, the sickness made me feel like i was eating my own bile with every breath, not nice and not sexy and the car thing had just pissed me off! Onto wednesday, probably the best day of the week, minus the car problems and feeling continually sick im actually feeling ok with this day, mostly because i had this great idea of doing a spoof of the hollywood undead music video "Undead" with a bunch of my mates (expect to see this come from us in the summer) and i kept chuckling to myself of what to do for various scenes and also i was looking forward to my mate was coming round to cheer me up, which is good and i needed the company. We spent the whole night laughing our heads off at ridiculous things on youtube, mainly smosh and shane dawson and then we watched my fave anime princess mononoke and like i always do when i watch anything to do with studio ghibli i started drifting off to sleep whilst watching it, i think the music does it.

Now here we are and its thursday, Ive spent the day wondering how i can improve my life and its frustrated me somewhat, I had a workout (20 mins on the bike, pfffttt no more thanks) and then i did some stretches and now i feel like my legs are gunna fall off as i havent rode for years but i need to get my fat ass in shape. i feel abit lonely today and could do with some attention, cuddles would be good, but as per usual no one is about to get hugs from....LOVE ME!!!!!! How were your last 7 days??? tell me, stalk me!!!!

This video has made my 7 days!

#6. Ive gone mad with the power, the power of the blog!

85% of my friends are guys and today my best mate Chris (bingy) sad I've gone up my arse with the power of the blog, though i don't really understand this as my blog doesn't seem to hold much power. i think its just him, hes abit crazy like that. or maybe my blog holds lots of power as my hits seem to have gone up lots, probably doesn't look like much if u read my hit counter but its a big change considering a week or so ago i had nothing, I'm just pleased that some people are reading it, i don't know if they find it good reading though or are the like "oh ffs, look at this silly bugger ranting on about shit again, id rather shove carrots up my arse or slit my throat with my most recent giro than actually pay attention to this idiot" i dunno, maybe your all laughing at me, in the bad way.....bitches! all of you, if so!

i digress......anyways my point is i reckon its mostly girls who would be reading this, its usually women that have the brain span to follow such a thing, so I'm wondering who out of my male friends is reading this other than Chris. I'm guessing no one will tell me but if you have the guts and your not made of flubber maybe you could speak up, buggers!xxxxxxxxxxx

#5. Significant songs of the last 2 years

So i was listening to a load of songs the other day and every single song that happened to pop up was just awesome and i realised that these songs had played a massive part of the last two years, some of you may know that im a musician, therefore i understand music differently to those who arent musicians, i think music speaks, it says all the things i cant and so much more.

well, what ive done is compiled a list of the songs that have made my last two years, it was going to be year but then i realised i started listening to these songs about 2 years ago, so thats why its two years.

here we go, each song has a little explanation. click each song title for a youtube vid.

Sorry, you're not a winner - Enter Shikari
i started listening to this song around about the very first time i started going to wired (march 08(alternative night at a club in margate)), i discovered it at wired and it soon became part of my list of most favorite songs, its signifcant because going to wired helped me get over a break up, thats weird but its the truth, it got me out and meeting new people.

Diary of Jane - Breaking Benjamin
this song is related to the first person who i met after my breakup in 2008, although he never had any time for me which is why this relates to this song, it made me realise that i would meet someone new and i was capable of "pulling" i thought this would never happen, just like every girl does when they split up with someone.

Dont Stop - Innerpartysystem
I guess this song is significant because its like a driving song for me and over the last two years whenever something goes wrong i drive, driving gives me something else to think about, i crank it up as loud as possible and just listen to all the sounds and it makes me think of good times.

Dressed for friend requests - Drop Dead, Gorgeous
ive had the album this song is from on repeat for pretty much forever, brings out the emo in me! nah, it kinda sums up the anger ive felt at certain occasions.

Twisted Transistor - Korn
this is weird cos maybe you might think ive taken this abit far, it just sums up how i feel about music becuase even if no one else gets me, theres always a song to listen to that seems to totally understands me, abit emo but oh well - this song is so significant to me im even considering having " A lonely life where no one understands you, but dont give up becuase the music do" tattoo'd on me, its just very applicable to my life.

I dont care - Fall out boy
now im not usually a fan but this is just so true, cos i dont care what you think as long as your thinking about me, like any publicity is good publicity if i was famous kinda thing.

Under the sheets - Ellie Goulding
see if you can work this out, anyone who knows me well might get this.

A plot to bomb the pan handle - A Day to remember
This is just an all round great song to listen to when people piss you off or you get angry or hurt "ive learnt to let go".... great line, we should do that more often.

Everybodies free (to wear sunscreen) - baz lurhman
I heard this one day when i was in my works van travelling back to my work office shortly after my breakup in 08, it made me cry becuase it made so much sense to me, i had heard it many times before but all of a sudden it just made sense, to this day when i hear it, it makes me cry, i dont know why, it makes me spine tingle. its just so right.

I never wanted - As I Lay Dying
This is the song i can currently relate to the most, ive just been listening to it alot and i guess it makes sense to what i can relate it to.

Snuff - Slipknot
Probably the most significant song of the last 2 years for me for sure, i went through an extremely tough situation and this song just had everything i needed to say packed into one little tune of sadness, anger, love, betrayal, happiness, just all emotions in one song. This song is related to one small person but the situation was huge and probably the toughest thing ive ever had to do in my life.....ever. I will write about this "situation" you will have to look out for it. it will feature this song.

hope you enjoy my selection.xxxxxxxxxxx

#4. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!

to celebrate the new year, ive decided to stay in with my family and my next door neighhours and chill. so im writing this......

Ok so another decade is behind us and down memory lane i go, i nicked this from facebook and please feel free to nick it back and fill in your own so i can see what you have been up to. you could even do one as a reply to this blog.

1. How did you start the decade?
As a teenager in a 3 year relationship, i was 18. I was quite unhappy regardless of my relationship but things are better now.

2. Who did you live with?
My Mum, step dad steve, my two dogs farrah and sam (RIP farrah and sam), my cat lucy, three guinea pigs and a rabbit.

3. Did you have a boyfriend/partner?
yeah I had been with someone for 3 years by that point, Martin

4. Who was your closest friend?
Martin, his sister becca and hayley (haze)

5. What weddings have you attended?
Hayley (nee peall) and richard faraday and i was bridesmaid, rachel (nee edwards)and ben mayo and i was chief bridesmaid, some random family weddings who i dont even remember, i go to about 4 a year i have such a huge family.

6. Any new additions to the family?
lots, they are all cousins children, the only new additions to my close family we have is of he four legged variety, kalli, bebe, mallyn, arienne and merredoc as of recently.



7. Life changing experiences?
In 2006 I had a bad car accident, it has changed my life but im getting there. extending my love of music, changed my life forever.

8. Holidays been on?
ive been to cornwall a million and one times, turkey and i went to american in 2004, 2005 and 2006, going again in 2010.

9. Favourite Band of the decade?
slipknot and my chemical romance ( i dont care what you say)

10. Favourite Film of the decade?
LOTR, Harry potter, Narnia, this decade has been good for fantasy films.

11. Favourite Game of the decade?
Animal crossing on DS

12. Favourite Fashion of the decade?
Skinny Jeans and band tshirts with skate trainers

13. Favourite TV show?
From lark rise to candleford, whose line is it anyway, harry hills TV burp and ive recently discovered i do actually like family guy!

14. Favourite Book of the Decade?
I dont read books so ill chose a graphic novel/comic, The Umbrella academy.

15. Favourite Celeb of the Decade?
Corey taylor, Heath ledger, johnny depp,

16. Jobs over the decade?
ASDA: til operator, shop floor assistant, dogs body.
ARGOS: pick up counter assistant, great job!
waitress
HELP THE AGED: fund raising assistant??
bingo hall assistant
nanny to two children,
nanny and housekeeper to two newborns currently

17. Greatest moments
Seeing slipknot live twice in 7 months, high fiving 2 members of slipknot the second time i saw them.
performing live at wembley arena with anastacia.
completing uni and getting a degree.
going to disneyworld for the first time and second and third.
download festival 07,08 and 09
turkey with nikki in 2008
passing my driving test with 100% in 2006

18. Sadest moments
losing my dogs farrah and sam. RIP babies.xxx
splitting up with my first love Martin,
Losing my best freind joe to jealousy and shame,
finding out my best freind had a brain tumour.

19. Biggest Achievements
passing my driving test with 100%
completing uni with a degree
battling severe depression
giving up smoking

20. Any regrets
not at all, in my mind everything happens for a reason

21. Big Occasions
my mum was 50 (in 2009) and thats all i can think of right now.

22. How did you finish the decade?
Well, im still single after almost 2 years, Ive met some wonderful people in this decade and i think they have helped sculpt me into the person i am today, Im down that im single, but im hoping that 2010 brings a nice caring man who will love me for me. Im a housekeeper and Nanny for 2 wonderful newborn twins and my music career is dead but hopefully reviving it is another thing i hope to achieve in 2010. Im happy but i want more.

23. Closest friends now?
Chris

24. If someone had said to you in 1999 that this is what you would be doing in 10 years time what would you of said?
fuck off, i want more than that.

25. What do you have planned for the future?
I plan to revive my music career, start looking out for me more and hopefully meet someone i can love and get love from in return. in respect to job wise i hope to find a better paying job and support my family better than i can now.

26. What has the last decade taught you?
life is tough, get a helmet! no seriously, its taught me that love is hard and takes work, true love shouldnt be taken for granted and that you are never alone, just sometimes you are lonely. ive learnt to take in nature as we are losing it every second of the day.

what have you good people done this decade???

send me a post and stalk me!!!!!!!!!!
stalk me link in the side bar!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

#3. Happy Anniversary Jesus

Today is CHRISTMAS DAYYYYYYYY!!! Woot Woot!

Its been the weirdest Christmas ever, for some reason i really haven't cared much for Christmas this year whereas usually I'm like OMG ITS XMAS FTW LOL VIP RSVP BBQ! But no this year Ive been abit more "oh god its Christmas, now i gotta spend money".

As a kid i believed in father Christmas and even now i believe what his persona stands for (peace, love and all that flowery stuff) but the magic of Christmas as in the excitement of opening presents and stuff has just completely gone, its nice, in fact its lovely, don't get me wrong but most of the things you get for Christmas as an adult you already know about, lots of things aren't surprises and in general the older you become the harder you are to buy for, therefore leading people to buying you chocolates or shit bubble bath stuff from boots 3 for 2 that your never going to touch, in fact you will probably stick it in the raffle at a local pub or fair what have you. I would rather someone gave me a couple of quid and say "here, have this and buy yourself something small that you like" or even "i didn't know what to get you so i didn't bother" I would rather people be honest.

Last night i went out and i didn't get in until 6am Christmas day morning - another thing that points to it losing its appeal for me, usually i wouldn't dream of going out on Christmas eve, oh no that's family time! but this year, i just wanted to be with some Friends and forget about everything, yes its been a tough year and i hope that 2010 brings me and everyone i love and care for something better than they got this year, mostly i hope it brings me something strong and handsome in the shape of a man, is that wishful thinking?!

so i got lots of lovely presents but its come to the evening now and I'm feeling abit lonely so i thought i would write on here to the void that is the interwebz, to wish you all a lovely Christmas and a very happy new year! explaining to you how i feel about Christmas along the way. sooooo

Meri Kurisumasu soshite Akemashite Omedeto!
Sing Dan Fae Lok. Gung Hai Fat Choi
Geseknde Kersfees en 'n gelukkige nuwe jaar
Joyeux Noel et Bonne Année!
Frohe Weihnachten und ein gl|ckliches Neues Jahr!
God Jul Och Ett Gott Nytt Ar

or (I'm edumacated ^_^)

just plain old, merry Christmas and a happy new year!

lublublub xxxxxxxxxxx

#2. What I Want In A Man

Now, this may seem deep and maybe a lil scary but actually its just something thats been on my mind for some time now. Ive been single now for almost 2 years, well I had a relationship but it lasted a month *sigh*, he didnt tell me he loved me so therefore in my mind due to its short existence it doesnt really count, that was a year ago. So the reason im single now is through personal choice, I could be with someone but unfortunately I am very picky and therefore its hard to find someone I actually want to be with, I realise this could make me look like a complete bitch but I just know what i want, is that a bad thing? is it a good thing? Mostly the reason I am not with someone is because the men I meet turn out to be complete losers and for a long time now i've been wondering if real men even exist. I am single mostly due to the guys i meet not mentally being capable for what im looking for. Firstly I would like to say, I do NOT NEED (need being the important word) a man with money, fast cars, designer suits, rolex watches and I dont want a model. If a guy who showed me the qualities that i want in a man came along and he had these things, i wouldnt say no, hopefully you get me.

So heres what I want:

LETS GET PHYSICAL!
I want a tall man, now when i say tall i dont nessecarily mean 6ft 8, i mean at least the same height, maybe slightly, an inch, shorter, I am 5ft 11 and 3/4 so this is kinda important, so anywhere between 5ft 10 and 6ft 8 is good. Im not one to go for looks, you only gotta see my ex to know that (hardy ha!!), but there has to be something in his eyes, i need to see that his eyes tell me a story, like just by looking at his eyes i can already tell what hes like and then the smile, his smile needs to be warm and somewhat quirky, I like big smiles. As for body size or shape, i really dont mind, Im big so I just like to know his size isnt a reflection of what he expects me to be, cos it aint gunna happen. uh-uh!

OOOH IM SOOO CULTURED
He has to be alternative, in that respects i mean he has to understand the alternative lifestyle and appreciate its key culture ingrediants, that being: 1, Music taste and input. 2, manor of thinking. 3, self expression. i will explain the numbers, 1: ok so this is tough because there are millions of genres of music that arent mainstream so i cant say "he must not like mainstream music" and also its not soooo bad if you do like mainstream music, but i like my guy to be into THE METAL!!! and all associated sub genres are included in *nod* THE METAL!!! I also have a weak spot for musicians/singers and i like that but its not important, even if his only input into the musical world is to go to gigs and festivals then that is all i need for ingrediant one. Number 2, kinda speaks for itself, I just dont want someone who conforms to everyday society just to please, I like a man who isnt afraid to think different. Number 3, self expression comes in many ways and i guess for most alternative people it comes out in the way they dress or if they are a musician then its in the music they write. This doesnt mean i want some crazy wild ass glam metal emo goth punk rocker to be preaning himself in the mirror for 5 hours, I just want someone who can understand the mentality of expressing yourself through the way you dress, and if he does the same then that is all good. I would like to add, reebok and burberry are a definate NO NO!

SO WHATS GOING ON UPSTAIRS?
Ive left this til last because to me, out of EVERYTHING ive just mentioned this is THE most important part of it all. Paint me a picture: Ive met so many guys who portray themselves to be something they arent, all i want is someone genuine. now this is all in the way they think, if they think that im going to be impressed by bullshit, then they are wrong, ooohh soooo wrong, yeah! I really hate it when a guy tries to impress you with "oh yeah baby, well this one time i climbed the outside of the eiffel tower, yep.....thats what im all about" ( yes a guy really said that to me) previously he had told me he'd never even left the country, you men forget the things you tell us. now the amount of times ive heard shit like this come from a guys mouth is untold. I can see through this, and I dont like that, infact that pretty much ruins it all. You can tell so much from what someone tells you when you meet them for the first time, are they genuine or are they trying too much to impress you that its kinda sickening *vom*, I know people have done major things in there life but sometimes guys you just trip yourselves up by the lies you tell. PLEASE DONT! i would rather you said "hey, actually my lifes pretty rubbish, i work 9-5 and i go out at the weekends and im not a superhero" than lie through your arsehole to get me on another date. Take me for me: I want a guy i can run to in my slouching around the house clothes and he still goes "oh my god, you are so beautiful" cos i want them to see whats on the inside, i want them to except me when im vulnerable, and when im happy or sad, lost or angry, emotional from so much awesomeness. I just want a guy to see me and all that i am which is the emotion i have and all that i can give to someone. The truth is we dont do our housework in high heels and our underwear, at times we need to fart, or cry, or laugh so hard that we fart and cry........... oh yeah thats hot O_o ........... I want a man who can be strong when hes faced with fear but not be afraid to show that hes not coping so well and a guy who will come to me when the chips are down, ill be around, with my undying, death defying.......WOAH, moving on! I want a guy who can embrace harsh reality and doesnt shove his head in the sand when things get tough, you god damn ostrichs, or is that emu's, i dont know. I want a guy who is not emotionally stunted and knows himself. A guy who is a gentlemen would be so nice, being gentlemenly is a honorable quality, a lil bit of a romantic is nice. A guy who can listen and much as he talks and enjoys having a laugh with me. When i say laugh i mean, wet yourself from laughing kinda laughter, i love a comedic guy, and i find it sexy when a guy makes me laugh, i love it when guys arent afraid to make a fool of themselves and its pretty much the best way to impress me, why?? cos im the same! I would like someone who can remember birthdays and anniversaries, god that would be good! I would like a guy who understands me, almost like im not a mystery but i am. I would like a guy who can stay commited to me, yeah, that would be good >_<>

i dunno..............

there is so much i could ask for, but its all on an emotional level, i don't want a saint or a psychiatrist, just a decent, able MAN.

Maybe if your a guy and your reading this, you might like to speak up for yourself, maybe post a comment...go on be outrageous! OMG FML!

#1. Im caught in a time warp

WWWOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHHH............. today i have been caught in some kind of time warp, well actually it all started last night but today its been worse.......

I dont know if this is happening because all of a sudden ive realised how close to christmas we are and magically that thought pattern has sped up the ENTIRE world around me or if its cos im just abit fed up right now.

ok this is more like a rant than an actual blog, well no ones gunna read it anyways so i guess it doesnt really matter what i write. im just getting it off my chest.

anyways, back to the beginning ........ last night i sat at my computer after eating dinner and realised that i had probably been sitting there for about 4 hours and it felt like i had only been there for five minutes, but it also felt like the time hadnt changed and that the night wasnt getting darker and colder. Then this morning i woke up late but i got to work on time, which usually if i wake up late, i get to work late. i work from 9am til 3.30pm as a nanny and when 3 oclock came around it felt like it was only 11am and amazingly i had managed to accomplish nothing in the day but feed one of the twins i look after and wind her. Now i know i spent time there with the twins but how did it go so quick yet i seemed to have accomplished so little and its been the same tonight. I got home from work at about 4.30pm i came in and i let my two dogs out in the garden, i went upstairs and put my computer on to check my email, i checked me email. i had dinner and now its 10.55pm and im going to bed in a minute and WTF happened to the time and why has it gone soo quickly......whats happening to meeeeeeeee!!! i swear someone popped me into a time warp thingy some time last night without prior warning, whoever you are you will PAY........im so lost!

The big question: Am i alone in this? or does this happen to you????

welcome welcome, xfactor rubbish, fake southern comfort and shane dawson!

welcome, welcome one and all, to what is to be my first ever blog, im not sure this is something im going to keep up but, oh well!

its quarter past one in the morning, ive been drinking cheap rip off southern comfort with pepsi max (urgh), eating cheesy poofs (which in my estimation should only ever be eaten from a cup....cup o' poofs, has to be a plastic cup) straight from th bag, blasphemous! cheap 3 bags for a pound sweets and moaning at my computer cos its sooooooooo slllllooooowwwww tonight. tonight was xfactor, what a shit load of bum fucks that is!!! so i didnt watch it, however i did se the last five minutes of harry hills TV burp, gotta love him, and i did chuckle somewhat so today hasnt been a complete loss, ive spent the day in my much loved coheed and cambria tshirt (bought by a much loved person), my leopard print ugg slippers and bright pink tartan jama bottoms, its been one of those days thats nonsuch and rubbishy. its rained, its been cold, its just rubbish......
So here i am online listening to the jangly love tunes of alison krauss, yes i like country, well some of it.........anyway........and im bored so i go onto youtube, cos maybe it will bring me some delight, and for once it actually did.
i actually went on there to see if i could find the video for "pain" by three days grace, as i wanted to check out the tattoo they have on the back of thier necks but somehow i came across this guy, Shane Dawson. and now im stuck on youtube watching all of his videos, I thought, here is a guy that gets me and my personality, he is soo definately worth checking out, his character representations are soo unreal its ridiculous, especially his scene girls... not only that he is kinda fit and therefor watching him is easy and im kinda taken in by the way his mouth moves when he talks......( unnnggg *dribble dribble* while looking at the computer screen) you should check him out, he is funny but not major LOLZ (L337 FTW) i guess its just entertaining....

LINKAGE: http://www.youtube.com/user/ShaneDawsonTV


well that was weird....

i just wanted to get it out there and get this started as its something ive been meaning to do for ages, this blog will be mostly full of whimsicle shit and nonsense, BUT! it will be from my heart and it will have the worst spelling and grammar ever witnessed by mankind so it will be fun disiphering (sp?) what i actually mean......good luck and please come again. til next time mova funkas!!