My weekend was soooo rubbish, on Saturday night i ended up going to bed early as i was very tired, i got into bed and started watching the 40 year old virgin, seen it before, not a great film but it has a few chuckle worthy moments in it, i thought i would go to sleep after that but NO! my spasticated brain decided to wake up and so i went in search of something else to watch, i came across what sounded like a good film, i say sounded like based on the fact it had a good title "perfume: the story of a murderer"....weirdest most random film ever, ill tell you the story!
well i caught it just as it started and please bare in mind i had never heard anything at all about it before seeing it. sooo.....
i saw it from the part where the perfume killer is putting little bottles into a leather holder, i thought "ooo hes fit" carried on watching and OMG the next shot is Alan rickman in a wig and gay clothes talking to some council about taxes, now, you cant lose with abit of alan rickman but lord i bet hes ashamed to have his name to this film, ashamed i tell thee! so from what i can gather this fit lad, who had no name works for some douche who treats him badly, this douche runs in and tells him to get onto something he was suppose to do earlier and said fit lad hides the bottles mega sharpish, I'm like whats he hiding them for then BAM hes killed some poor red head wrapped her in wet clothes and dragged her to his dingy room, we don't see how he did this but we later find out hes hitting them on the head with a wooden mallet *sigh*. He rolls out this poor dead ginge from the wet cloths and shes all naked and he gets this massive rounded blade and skims it over her body taking off what one can only presume to be as body fat *VOM*! then he puts the fat in a tub, stirs it up, puts it in a home made science kit and the steam creates a liquid as to which he puts in tiny bottles, now i know why he wants to hide the freaking bottles. cut to a party at good old alan rickmans manor, his daughter played by the girl who was last seen in the secret garden (where the fuck has she been all this time, acting school, clearly not!) suggests a spiffing game of hide and seek, they all join in, off they go to the maze daddy has in the garden. its very lovely til this girl finds herself without anyone following her cos they've all hidden and oh no its dark and I'm feeble, enter fit lad killer from behind a dark corner of the maze, WTF is he doing there, is he gatecrashing that shit! we don't know! she gets spooked by a presence and runs away, daddy calls everyone back from the game and she doesn't return, hes getting scared and oh there she is, she just took her time, didn't see that coming! but 2 girls are missing, roll on the body fat skimming of a set of beautiful twins! *yawn*
More and more murders happen, they all have 2 things on common, they are all beautiful and red heads, it just cuts to a shot of each body dumped in various positions, naked with all there locks chopped off a la sinead o'connor with some poor soul finding them. The towns people are outraged and scared for thier lives, the council call a meeting, alan rickman pretends hes now the number one detective and says there must be a rational answer....murder? rational? hmmmm! people are on the look out for a killer. For some unknown reason he suspects that his beautiful daughter is next on the list and he decides to ship her out and off to far away lands, well you never guess what, hes right, said fit killer has one bottle left to fill and hes out for the secret garden girl! he senses, oddly, that's shes been whisked away, sniffs the air and has suddenly become a tracker from lord of the rings, off he goes and can follow their exact trail just by a sniff of the air, cut a long story short, he finds her and kills her in her hotel room, leaving her naked and hairless as the day she came. meanwhile back in town a random dog has found the clothes and hair of the murdered girls in the perfume killers quarters, now they have their killer but hes goooone!
this is where it gets weird, OK maybe its weird already but it just gets worse. Alan rickman goes to his daughters room to find her dead, spralled across the bed, not so secret garden up, screams of woe follow. during screams of woe, killer is caught making his next batch of perfume from secret garden girls body fat and taken back to town, he is then water tortured by alan rickman, who doesn't seem to lose his temper but rather asks gently why he killed his daughter to be told the killer needed her. OK so hes going to be slaughtered in front of the townsfolk. it comes to the day of his execution, hes hauled by shackles but secretly hes stashed a bottle of perfume in his pocket, wops it out (the perfume you naughty people) and then suddenly he appears from a carriage wearing the kings robes. it shows no transition and by this time I'm sitting gawping at the TV with a disgruntled "i don't get it" look on my face. he walks up to the exectutioner and suddenly OMG we have the wrong man, this man cannot be a killer, he pulls out a hanky from his pocket drops abit of perfume on it and wofts it in the air, people start falling about like they are in the matrix slo mo scenes and screaming, next thing you know every single person is naked and getting their shit on with the guy or girl next to them while fit killer is standing watching in the kings robes, even the priest is getting his shit on! someone kicks over a bucket of lemons and it reminds killer of his first love, the first girl he ever killed cos she was so beautiful then everyones suddenly asleep. a narrator talks he says "and they awoke from a slumber to find the most terrible hangover" or something pishy like that and then they all scarper feeling a little silly and er probably very foolish, fucking ell they just had the worlds biggest orgy!
by this time fit killer has managed to get back to his hideout, mix all the bottles of perfume together and run away to a new village where apparently he came from in the first place, he turns up in the kings robes, opens the perfume, pours it on his head and a bunch of villagers who were sitting by a fire run over to him and eat him, the end???? yes, the end!
WTF!! am i missing something, i totally don't get this film, in fact i feel cheated by whoever made this film and they should give me back my time. 2 bloody hours, 2 bloody hours of my face being stuck in the same "wtf is going on here expression" if you get this film, please let me know what its about.
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