#12. First modelling/photography comp

So this week has been another week from hell, whats going on at the moment with this, 2010 is rubbish so far then end. My car has broken down again for the 3rd time, its another problem which has been caused by the first problem it had. I swear my car hates me, i love her but she hates me, its like a love hate situation. Ive lost a stone of weight in a week, not like a stone from the beach "oh ma gawd, I've lost stone from beachy head", no, I've lost the weight, Ive had major nausea for 7 weeks, no I'm not pregnant, i will physically spoon the next person who asks that - and i don't mean ill cuddle them on a bed in an affectionate position, i mean ill make efforts to gauge out your eyes with a spoon, that's my form of spooning bitches :P so for the last 7 weeks I've hardly eaten and my stomach has started to cramp and cause me pain now so I'm feeling pretty rough. I got stuck for 2 hours the other day on the way to work, there was a collision between a car and a bus on the main road i use for work due to the ice being so bad, i cant help but think that i would have been caught up in it too had i not left for work slightly late, as i ended up being the third car to stop behind the crash. There were 5 police cars, 2 ambulances, a fire engine and the air ambulance was called in, when you see these things it makes you value life and I'm only grateful for walking away from the car accident i had in 2006. oh and i just got a message on a silly dating website from some idiot saying "hi you look scary but your really hot" how am i spose to take that?????

I went to a funeral this week too, only one person asked me how it went (thank you Jay, see you in 2 weeks hunny), i was really hurt that no one that i told remembered, luckily they don't read this. I didn't know what to make of the funeral, there were so many people and i never know how to approach the person grieving the most, although you grieve personally nothing you feel will be as intense as the people closest to the person that died, it was a hard day.

On the plus side I saw enter shikari on the 12th with rolo tomassi and the king blues as support (both were a pile of shite). Enter shikari were very good, though the guitars weren't loud enough and the synths were being faded up and down way too much. I saw them in 2008 and they were 10 times better, though i feel that had something to do with it being a smaller venue with better sound. The whole place was full of kids, i swear half of them should have been at home in bed. I met quite a few people, one kid commented on my hair (i had dreads in) saying "WTF is wrong with her hair" i didn't reply i just laughed at how young they were, possibly 14, and the fact that the way they looked was probably just a fad for them and they will no doubt grow up to be a shallow pathetic follower of traditional fashion. their comment was erased by being told i looked stunning a few times by various various's and by someone telling me my hair was awesome. I bumped into two friends and i met someone very briefly from a website i use.

I have a modelling and photography competition/shoot to do for Arkaik clothing, a really awesome emo/trendcore clothing website in the USA. I'm using this awesome tshirt http://arkaik.storenvy.com/products/6851-rawrkaik-purple and I'm not sure how its going to be styled yet but if anybody has any awesome ideas please let me know as i will add them all to the ending result if i like them of coarse......mark *hint hint* hehe! I'm thinking of doing some kinda geeky godzillaesq scene with a purple dinosaur and lego houses or something like that, i dunno i might change it all. ideas please!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh yeah trendcore, this is the new thing?? its like emo with bright colours and its ultimately cooler and better than scene as its more geeky apparently. I have no real idea! what a load of balls!

#11. YOU'RE soooooooo BLAH

YOU'RE SOOOOOOO AMAZING!!! I'M FUCKING SICK OF HEARING THIS!!!!!! OHHH EMMMM GEEEE if i had a pound for every time someone had said that to me, i would own the Bahamas, and a yacht, and a plane, and a jet propelled man eating shark with lasers on its head and a harpoon nose....wot was i saying?? oh yeah, i hate hearing the words "you're so **insert charming word of choice**" it physically makes me want to Chris brown a bitch! Now i understand there are probably people out there reading this who will undoubtedly say "don't be rude, people are just trying to be kind" now as true as this may be is it really necessary to lie through your teeth when your saying it. When i very first started hearing it, shortly after i became single from my first love, i was 19, i was all girly and giggly about it but now with another failed relationship under my belt and a stream of unsuccessful dates I'm starting to fucking hate it. Now there are three forms this sentence comes in:

1. "you're sooo amazing" = i wanna get in your pants, your not that great but ill say anything to get in your pants.

or

2. "you're sooo amazing, but...." followed by some kind of let down, usually "i just see you as a friend" or "your not my type"

or

3. "you're sooo amazing, i wish i was like you" = comes from a friend usually female, and probably the most believable you're so blah out of them all.

why do these annoy me still?????

1 = its usually said by someone who considers you above there station, which i fucking hate that anyways, the amount of times Ive heard "oh your out of my league" i mean WTF! I DON'T HAVE A LEAGUE!!!! i don't consider myself pretty and I'm not saying that for sympathy, i really don't think i am, i think that's why i make such a spectacle of myself to draw away from the fact that I'm ugly, i recently read in a magazine "if your not beautiful, you have to work hard to be" and i work, overtime and bank holidays! but still even if the person who these words come from considers you on equal levels of attraction to themselves, they are only saying this to get in your pants and if they don't want that then they are lying, cos clearly you aren't that amazing. It is generally single people that complain about hearing this cos usually people in couples (who should be saying it to one another) don't say it to each other due to laziness, therefore would give anything to hear it. Being single i hear this alot and lets face it if i were that fucking spectacular would i be single in the first place, NO! If the person saying this, says it to get in your pants and it works then you are a dumb ass fool with no real sense of who you are, cos in reality they don't mean it, the words have motive, pure and simple, and its animalistic.

2 = oh god, Ive heard this a few times and Ive actually used it, but when i used it, i meant it, all the cases I've used it in where on guys that i considered best friends who have expressed some kind of love or feeling towards me, they were seriously amazing people but they were not someone i could be with in a serious relationship, had i of crossed the bridge between friendship to lovers the inevitable end would have been twice the heartache and needless to say only one of these friends is still in my life and yes he really is amazing but he is an amazing friend ( key word - friend). when I've had this used on me, somehow i just know the guy doesn't really think I'm amazing, its just easy to put that little bit on the front to make the blow less painful, bollocks, just man up and say what u mean! "Your not my type" what a bullshit excuse that is, and it seems to come from people who say they don't have types, so you reply with "well what is your type" they say "someone kind, caring, loyal, etc etc" and if your so amazing then you must be all those things which in fact you are there type but your fucking ugly and they are too chicken shit to say it - that's basically what it is! Why oh why, cant someone just say "I'm not attracted to you" is that so hard, its honest and its not nasty.

3 = probably the most endearing form of hearing this, and probably the most sincere out of them all (excluding couples) many friends say this to me, cos i don't give a shit about what anyone outside of my social/family circle has to say about what i do or how i behave, how i look or how i express myself, to be seen as amazing because of that is something i like, to be seen as amazing for the things i believe in or stand for is something i really like, but the other reasons i listed above, i don't wanna be amazing for. Don't get me wrong, if i attracted a guy, say i dated someone for a while and they said to me, "you're **insert magical word of love** lets commit" and i could see some sincerity in that then it would bowl me over, its using it flippantly or to get a certain result that really bugs me.

I've actually got to the point now that i say I'm not that amazing or i wouldn't be single when i hear this fall from the lips of some randomer, they usually reply with "well that's cos the guys you've dated are blind to see it" but still if I'm so amazing, why aren't YOU Mr. Randomer asking for my number, a date or something etc etc .............. cos that's right you only want to get in my pants! If you wanna get in my pants don't tell me I'm amazing, be fucking original and use your brain, jebus!

i do actually wanna be amazing, i want to be UBER amazing, but to the right person for the right reasons and not to the random guy who wants to get in my pants, if i were that fucking amazing i wouldn't be single.... is this not true!